Growing Pains

Near the end of my first 'fucked up/shitty day' of 2007, on Friday Jan 19th...while in the shower, it hit me...
growing pains. That's what these kind of days are about for me...thats what they will now be called.
After rounding out this day's evening with what will forever be a sacred conversation....



~Growing Pains~

is it worth it?
does it last?
things we'll never know...
until we allow ourselves to go...
along with uncertainty down her cold and dismal path...
but she still has tricks up her sleeve
the kind that hold belief....
the kind of things that make it all worth it...
the experiences that last...
beyond the shadow of the doubt we all harbor in our minds....
that life is worth every sacred moment
we live.....

MJW

Insomnia

...I've laid here for the last hour trying to go back to sleep, in the dark with my mind traveling everywhere except relaxation. Sometimes I wonder if I've done myself a disservice by not seeing some kind of therapist or counselor after I tested positive almost two years ago. Other times, most times I think that I don't really need it, and that I truly am able to govern myself and my thoughts. I've always had one of those minds that works overtime, so the fact that I've had morbid thoughts here and there since Nov. 2004 really is of no surprise to me. Hell I had morbid thoughts BEFORE that point...I don't really have a point in any of what I'm sayin...Im just processing in written format much like I've been doin for the last hour while layin here trying to go back to sleep. It's September, and the seasons are about to change in about a month. The summer is coming to a close and it's been a pretty good one for me. Full of suprises, triumphs, twists, turns, etc. I'm truthfully ready to say farewell to summer though. I dunno...for someone who hates to be cold as much as I do, I truly love it when the seasons change and when fall arrives. Perhaps its because I was born in the fall...I dunno... I think about the rest of the year and some of the things that I'd like to accomplish with BSC. So much has happened since February of this year that alot of it is a blur. I know that I put in alot of work in order to make everything happen, but I truly don't even remember some of it now. What I tell myself is, bottom line....I got it done. That is the same focus and determination I put into the rest of the year's projected activities. I'm proud of all that has happened, I'm glad to know that we've created an environment to heal ourselves and each other. Im convinced that I need it more than anyone else. I guess it's like a principle that I've heard a million times goes: You can only teach that which you need to learn. (so to speak) I'm not exactly trying to teach anyone anything and I believe there is nothing for me to 'learn', but rather plenty for me to REMEMBER. The sentiment behind the statement however is true. The evidence of which is my life nowadays. It seems to me sometimes like I've been more fragile, more analytical, more neurotic, more afraid lately than usual. It's like I have all the reason in the world to be proud, happy, and optimistic and yet I still tend to get STUCK in other shit. See...this is where the thinking 'maybe I could stand to see a therapist' comes into play. However, even with all those thoughts in tow, I still keep moving forward. I dunno how sometimes but I do. I think by now I do a pretty good job of governing myself and knowing when to 'pull myself up outta my own shit'.
My brand of honesty, truth telling is something that feels completely natural to me, but that I constantly question nowadays. Being honest about my feelings---Whatever they are at any given point in time---is really all I know. Yet, with my involvement in BSC I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not supposed to show that side of myself. The side that questions, that fears, that is sad, that is terrified about what is happening in his body as a result of being HIV positive. I know that my status and my health is a large part of what I 'worry' about these days. Although I'm not on any meds currently, I'm constantly afraid about the possibility of having to start them, for fear that that means I'm one step closer to death. After my last visit to my doctor in August, and being advised to 'slow down', I've been increasingly concerned about things. What I know is, that when I feel aches and pains in my body, my mind immediately freezes and I start to worry. I know that worrying about the aches and pains isn't really helping though. So I set the intention that the next time, I'll just let them come up, and PASS as they always do and I'll keep going. It amazes me sometimes how 'rounded' I am. We really are beings sufficient unto ourselves. IF ONLY I CAN REMEMBER THAT ONE.....I could go on and on and on, since I'm wide awake and it's 5:58 am right now, but I won't. I'll stop here I just had to process.

Six Months....

........
6 months ago today, on Sunday February 5th 2006 (the First Sunday of the month), my life changed FOREVER. I had no clue when I woke up that morning just what the day would hold, but it held the key(s) to my future. This was the day I attended the service, First Sunday, as I normally do the first sunday of every month. I don't go to church, NOR do I consider myself to be a religious individual. What I am, is a spiritual being, with my own connection to, and understanding of the energy, the body of God. First Sunday is the space I consider to be my spiritual home, mainly because I have grown to feel loved, supported, and SAFE in this space.
Looking at it that way, it makes perfect sense that this where I was when spirit and I decided that I would become a vessel for another form of spiritual, mental, emotional, and creative healing. Brave Soul Collective was given birth as an idea on this day, 6 months ago, so today I cannot help but to be in a constant state of reflection, amazement, gratitude, and joy.
Looking at what this organization has become in merely six months since conception, I am truly inspired and even more confident & faithful about life in general, and what the rest of my life holds for me...

exposition.
at the end of November 2004, once again my life was forever changed, upon learning that I tested positive for HIV. As I sit here, I'm immediately taken back to that day, that time, and I remember how I was sure that my life was indeed over. If I had to go back and document exactly how I made it from there to here, I'm not sure I could. What I remember most about that time is that I had to literally PULL MYSELF OUT of the darkness that I felt was surrounding me. I had no reason to think the worst since I was still in very good health despite the positive test result, and my life was in no kind of immediate danger. What was most challenging about that period (aside from also having sprained my ankle around that time) was my mental, and emotional well being. My mind circled around thoughts of death, funerals, tears, coffins, and all around sadness. I had to stop and remind myself that with each day that I opened my eyes, there was hope. Every time I started to fear, wanted to cry, I had to stop and lovingly remind myself that there was no need for me to be afraid. Before I knew it, 3 months had passed and I was still LIVING, eating, breathing, sleeping, working, etc. That was February of 2005. As my life continued to go on and I began to live, to co-exist with HIV. It was filled with plenty of challenges, confusion, frustration, but I kept goin. Somewhere down the line, I started to really realize that not much had changed about my life, EXCEPT the fact that everything had been given a whole new meaning. All things trivial from before fell away and I started getting really clear about what was important. By that time, it was late summer/early fall of 2005, and I was on the verge of leaving my 'full time' job in order to fully dedicate my time and energy to my artistic and creative talents. I recall a conversation with one dear friend who had already taken the plunge and become a 'working' artist, and what I remember most about that talk was her telling me that I had what it took to make it work, but that I HAD TO KNOW IT, and HAD TO BELIEVE IT before I could see it manifest. For me, seeing others do it, and doing it myself (especially 8 months into living with HIV) were two completely different things. It's funny because on one hand, I can remember asking myself at that time...."What are you waiting for? What do you have to be afraid of NOW?" Contracting HIV was the one thing I had feared the most for years, (especially considering that it almost always is associated with life as I know it) and now I had surpassed that 'fear' and was still living. Even though some of my thoughts at that time still needed a lil 'tweaking'-
(namely my thought that I didn't have 'time' to waste) I was very clear that something greater was on the verge, in the works for me but I didn't know what it was. I didn't ponder until it made my head hurt, nor did I stress over it. I just kept movin forward. I did quit my job. I did start auditioning. I did get cast in two plays in the fall of 2005. Before I knew it, a year had passed and I had told my mother about my HIV status, left a job I was unhappy with, and was rehearsing, performing and being paid for my work as an artist. I realize now that this is how it works for me---ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER-literally first, then figuratively. I just get up and keep moving, albeit with a bit of trepidation at times. I also realize now more than ever that nothing can exist without its opposite. And so, from that trepidation comes clarity. From that organized confusion that I've carried with me for so long, also comes LOVE of myself, appreciation for my life, and courage.
They are things that I sometimes forget I possess. By the time Christmas of 2005 had passed, I'd gotten a year of living with HIV under my belt, had finished a pretty good run of a play I was cast in, I was pretty content. When 2006 came, I was a little bit more prepared for whatever was next...
...a LITTLE BIT...

cut to present day.
This week, as I looked at my calendar and thought about how busy this next couple of months are looking, that was when it dawned on me that six months had passed before I knew it. The last six months have been filled with blessings, fear, laughter, unpaid bills, triumphs, hope, funding, inspiration, love, freedom, liberation, and even a wee bit more trepidation-
(see....thas where that WORK IN PROGRESS THING COMES IN...LOL)
Ultimately however, the last six months have been the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my life. I've been moving, speaking, living, breathing, with a purpose. What Brave Soul Collective meant to me initially was a means by which I could live my life, without fear, without shame, being free to express in FULLNESS who and what I am : a living, breathing, work in progress.
Black, male, same gender loving, hiv positive, an artist, wounded, but healing, and above all else, resilient.
What it's turned into by now is a safe haven, a home, a community for brothas like me, and so many beloved others regardless of their gender, status, sexual orientation or class.
As I look towards the next week, the next month, the next chapter, I am called to bravery once again. I am about to embark on a new but necessary adventure.
On Friday, August 11th, I leave for Toronto, Canada for the World Aids Conference, where I will be working as a reporter/journalist for The Black Aids Institute as well as for CLIK Magazine.
I am excited, a bit afraid, but above all else I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to do this work. I know this is work will serve not only me, but Brave Soul Collective, and all those I work with, like CLIK and the Black Aids Institute.
We (Erik, Tim'm and I) have also been hired as staff writers for CLIK Magazine where we'll begin having an editorial featured in each month's magazine, beginning this month of August, (which is in stores later this week, btw)
This is a great triumph for me personally because I initially intended to be able to reach other same gender loving people through the work done with Brave Soul Collective, and now with our monthly editorials in CLIK, we'll be able to do so on a much larger scale. I am nothing BUT optimistic about this venture and what it holds for all of us as writers, poets, performers, creative artists. All three of us have a wealth of talents that we're still honing, and being able to demonstrate our skills and share ourselves in the process is indeed a blessing.
In addition to continuing our monthly Brave Soul Saturday gatherings here in DC (later this month), Brave Soul Collective has also been added to the IN THE LIFE ATLANTA 2006 Black Pride Workshop Schedule. We will be conducting our "Brave Souls Ain't Down Low: Keepin It Real for Real in the Age of AIDS" workshop on Saturday, September 2nd 2006.
After returning from that trip, we will be continuing to work on organizing our first Brave Soul Collective fundraiser, which will take place later this fall. When I think of all the things we've been able to accomplish with an extremely limited amount of money, as well as with the gracious contributions from several people, it makes me even more hopeful about what we'll be able to do with more funding.

projection.
In short, the rest of this year is looking to be pretty exciting and fulfilling with all of the things already on tap, not to mention whatever is in the cards that I don't even know about yet.
I'm glad that I'm able to be used in this way for such a vehicle of healing, and expression.
Even though these days I've been so busy sometimes I have to make myself stop to eat, and sleep, I am so full of energy and life that I can do nothing but say thank you to God for what I've been able to experience thus far. I'm grateful for all the angels who have been laid in my path to share in this experience with me. Erik & Tim'm I'm extremely grateful for. I don't think it could have been done in this way, without them. They are brothers I've always wished I had. We disagree sometimes, but ultimately love and support each other. I am also grateful for both of my parents who continue to love me and support me, with all things considered. Their love is unconditional and for that I am extremely grateful. Finally, for all the people who have been moved, touched by anything as a result of Brave Soul Collective, I am grateful and thank you tremendously. It's been emails, messages, posts on the message board that I've read from people I've never met that have gotten me through many times in the last six months, simply because they've expressed how happy they are that WE EXIST.
That's how inspiration works for me...it's infectious...someone puts something out---word, thought, energy, etc, and I'm affected, moved, touched by it. I then create from that inspiration, and others take it and run with it...It all goes in cycles.
Right now, in every aspect of my life, I pray for, and seek to maintain BALANCE, and I keep movin....
I've got about a year as a 'working artist' under my belt, and although it has been challenging many times within that that period, its been even more rewarding artistically, emotionally, mentally. The money necessary to pay my rent and bills has always come, and I must say I haven't really had to want for anything.
I've worked extremely hard, and when I think about all of the work I put into everything, it's all been worth it...

The Bitter with the Sweet....
I haven't blogged in a bit, for numerous reasons...Because sometimes I don't know what 2 say, so I don't say shit....Other times because there's SO much goin on in my head, that even hashing it out by typin seems like too much of a chore....Tonite as I sat here for the umpteenth time in weeks trying to figure out what to say....I thought about something that I always speak of, and am constantly seeking to maintain.....BALANCE.....Polarity.....The 'Good' & the 'Bad'....The Bitter & the Sweet.This is what my life has been full of lately...I mean truthfully Im sure its ALWAYS been full of both, although sometimes it seems like more of one than the other.What I've been extremely conscious of lately however is how much more willing I've been to let shit BE what it's gonna BE. So much has happened for me this year....I've grown the fuck up in a lot of ways....I've always taken pride in the fact that I was pretty mature, but this year, in many ways....I grew up even more. What I also am able to realize just as quickly is that I still have had moments of regression, of being stagnant as well.I'll stop here for now, because my sort of 'writers block' feels like it's returning as I type this...but I will continue to elaborate on this...If I must provide a concrete example of how I feel I've 'grown up' and learned a bit....Here it is...even with this...when I feel 'stumped' and am unable to articulate my thoughts, I stop, and leave it alone....rather than tryin to force it and becoming even more frustrated, like I used to...it may sound simple, but it's also easier said than done, and I realize I've DONE it...so next time I regress...before I can let that shit snowball anymore, Ima jus cut myself sum slack and remind myself.........Balance.

JUST PASSING THIS ALONG...TAKE HEED PEOPLE....

A coalition of black gay and lesbian bloggers has launched a worldwide online campaign against a music industry group’s decision to ignore requests to cancel performances by homophobic reggae artists Beenie Man and TOK at an upcoming concert.
The concert, scheduled to take place July 18 in New York, is billed as a benefit to target young people for HIV/AIDS prevention. The coalition of activists is calling on LIFEbeat, the music industry’s non-profit AIDS organization, to either rescind the invitation to Beenie Man and TOK or use its influence to get the two artists to make public statements prior to the concert disavowing their homophobic music and remarks. Just last week, Beenie Man's concerts were canceled in Britain after gay activists objected to his recent homophobic statements.
More information here at
http://www.keithboykin.com

Waves

...I know what I want.....But I just wouldn't dare....
I'd let her into my heart....but she's already there....
but she comes in waves... and I jus reach a point...
I fall OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN.....
~Waves~
Lewis Taylor



....3rd wave.....
After experiencing Mary's show last nite in Milwaukee, I gotta say that I'm not surprised. There's never been a show of hers that I've gone to and not been satisfied, or fed musically, emotionally, or spiritually. So the fact that I left FULL last nite is nothing new. What is new to me at this point...well not so much new as much as just interesting to me is that the darkness, the pain, the sadness, the turmoil, etc etc etc...they'll always be there, but there's always another choice. This is not something I didn't already know, just something this weekend, this trip and its events, and Mary's show last nite have all reminded me of:
Life is about LIVING...We all have pasts, and sometimes present day situations that will try to steal the joy, the light, the freedom from you, but ultimately YOU, I, WE have the power, the final say in how it all goes down. It is what it is...I realize the blessings that I've been given and as a result I open my heart and continue to share them with the world, even when--ESPECIALLY when it feels like mofos are confronting me with everything BUT LOVE. It's hard sometimes...downright challenging to show love in the face of fear, hate, ignorance, stupidity, so on and so forth. But LOVE always comes back TENFOLD...even if it doesn't come from the source you may have expected it to come from, YOU ALWAYS GET IT BACK. It's funny to me how from 1991/1992 when Mary first hit the scene, there was sumthin in her voice, in her music, in her EYES that I was drawn to. I know now that you draw to you what you are. Like attracts like. So again, it should be of no surprise to me that as she's evolved, grown, fallen, suffered, cried, made mistakes, SO HAVE I.
I do not IDOLIZE her, but I DO know how GOD uses people, and how when we finally are able to tap into our OWN POWER, we become an open vessel for healing, growth, and LOVE. I can say that within the last year, after being faced with what seemed like insurmountable circumstances, I OVERCAME even those, and stepped into my own light and out of my own way. That is how, that is why, that is when Brave Soul Collective came through me...so as the Lewis Taylor song goes, and as I felt about BLIGE last nite...about ME, and my life....
I come in waves....and I've just reached a point....
I fall OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.....with MY(Self)


independence....hmmmmph.....feels pretty good...

Independence...what a day...what a day....

independence
n 1: freedom from control or influence of another or others.

the first wave....
This year's INDEPENDENCE DAY WEEKEND has been profusely liberating to say the least.
As emotionally raw as I feel right now,
(in the red..is what I like to call that feeling btw)
I feel extremely proud, happy, inspired and optimistic after the last two days events. Saturday July 1st was a wonderful way to start this month, and my goal is to take that days energy, momentum, and spirit into the rest of this months days. I spent this day (as well as the day before) in Chicago. I was there to facilitate Brave Soul Collective's first official workshop, Brave Souls Ain't Down Low: Living In Truth In The Age of AIDS.
Although the days events got off to a bit of a late start, it was nothing short of spectacular.
The organizers & volunteers with Windy City Black Pride were extremely warm, supportive and welcoming to us as we arrived, not really knowing what to expect. What I felt as the day continued was the warmth of bein HOME.
Chicago (and surrounding areas) IS actually home to me in a sense because I'm orginally from Racine, Wisconsin which is only about 45 mins from Chicago. I moved away from this area long before coming to terms DIRECTLY with my sexuality 10 years or so ago, and have lived primarily on the east coast/DC area for that 'OUT' time period of my life..
The important thing to point out however is that I had no idea how tightly knit the Chicago black gay community was prior to my arrival this weekend. Although I had heard mention of this from a friend, there is a difference in being told sumthin versus being SHOWN sumthin. By the time we started our workshop, I knew that I was in the midst of something special. This is not to blindly suggest that folx in this area are not w/o drama, mess, pretense, etc (as I know that tends to exist everywhere in one way or another). What I am saying is that in less than 48 hours during the Windy City Black Pride Weekend, I felt more at home and supported, understood, and accepted than I have ever felt anywhere else that I have worked or lived in the past ten years. From the support of the organizers & volunteers of WCBP, on down to simple 'by chance' meetings with people who happened to just be there, like brotha Keith (who graciously gave Brave Soul Collective a great push and plug at the Poetry Slam), I know that the people who I met and worked, laughed, cried, thought with this weekend are sacred BRAVE SOULS indeed.
Chicago gave Brave Soul Collective an ABUNDANCE of love and support and we will MOST DEFINITELY BE BACK VERY SOON. Brave Soul Collective has a second-satellite kinda home in CHITOWN, and I can't wait to get back there.

second wave
Upon leaving Chicago yesterday, I traveled back up the road 45 mins or so north..back to the place where I was born and raised, Kenosha Wisconsin, where my father awaited me. From the very beginning when I planned this entire trip I knew that there would be some highs, lows, and inbetweens. I battled with and sought to correct and remind myself that what I was coming 'home' to do here in Racine/Kenosha was not at all a 'low' but a chapter that I needed to quickly finish, and close, in order to move forward. Making the decision to disclose my HIV status to my father and introduce him to the new addition to my life/story that is Brave Soul Collective, was one thing. Actually DOING it yesterday/last nite was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It is now done, and I can indeed say I am relieved. That is not to say that I'm happy per se. There is something about having to deliver news to those you love--news that ultimately you've grown to accept and love--but that they may not be able to view the same way you do, that jus puzzles the fuck out of me. I guess the one thing that I have to remember is that just as it may have taken ME time to adjust and ultimately meet acceptance head on....so will it take these said family members even more time to do so. It's that which I remind myself of now, one day after I've had this talk with my father, who to my surprise, took the news much better than I anticipated. I worried that this news would drive him into some kind of self inflicted turmoil (again) like my announcement of my homosexuality had done some 9-10 years prior. I guess the thing that I forgot is that just like I had grown and evolved over the last 10 years, so had he. For that, I am truly grateful- & not so much for my own satisfaction/relief, but moreso for his own good. The one thing I kept telling myself in the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and finally-deep breaths before this talk took place was that I could not, would not, and should not feel ashamed about my news, my condition or my announcement of such. I was just making sure that he (as my mother 10 months ago had been) was completely informed and in the know about certain important things regarding my life, well being, and ultimately, my HAPPINESS.
One of the great things/surprises that would follow after my disclosure to him and announcement about Brave Soul Collective was his level of support, and optimism about the creation and activities of the organization.
I think in my fear and hesitance, I underestimated my father. I pray that my disclosure and discussion with him will continue to deepen and strengthen the bond we already have, which I can honestly say I cherish and am grateful for.
I realize that some people don't get any kind of support or encouragement from their blood relatives in cases like this, which is also another reason why I feel like Brave Soul Collective is a haven for all of us to be loved, supported and encouraged to LIVE and enjoy LIFE.
I feel better now, than I did when I began this blog entry and I think it's because as usual, I just needed to REMIND myself of all that I have to be greateful for, and for all the blessings that continue to show up to remind me that LOVE really is the ONLY THING I OWN, and I can take that with me WHEREVER I GO.
As I wrap this entry up, I leave to go get dressed to see one of my inspirations, heroes, and angels in her element 2nite: Mary J Blige.
The third wave will most likely come after the Breakthrough I Experience tonite....