Insomnia

...I've laid here for the last hour trying to go back to sleep, in the dark with my mind traveling everywhere except relaxation. Sometimes I wonder if I've done myself a disservice by not seeing some kind of therapist or counselor after I tested positive almost two years ago. Other times, most times I think that I don't really need it, and that I truly am able to govern myself and my thoughts. I've always had one of those minds that works overtime, so the fact that I've had morbid thoughts here and there since Nov. 2004 really is of no surprise to me. Hell I had morbid thoughts BEFORE that point...I don't really have a point in any of what I'm sayin...Im just processing in written format much like I've been doin for the last hour while layin here trying to go back to sleep. It's September, and the seasons are about to change in about a month. The summer is coming to a close and it's been a pretty good one for me. Full of suprises, triumphs, twists, turns, etc. I'm truthfully ready to say farewell to summer though. I dunno...for someone who hates to be cold as much as I do, I truly love it when the seasons change and when fall arrives. Perhaps its because I was born in the fall...I dunno... I think about the rest of the year and some of the things that I'd like to accomplish with BSC. So much has happened since February of this year that alot of it is a blur. I know that I put in alot of work in order to make everything happen, but I truly don't even remember some of it now. What I tell myself is, bottom line....I got it done. That is the same focus and determination I put into the rest of the year's projected activities. I'm proud of all that has happened, I'm glad to know that we've created an environment to heal ourselves and each other. Im convinced that I need it more than anyone else. I guess it's like a principle that I've heard a million times goes: You can only teach that which you need to learn. (so to speak) I'm not exactly trying to teach anyone anything and I believe there is nothing for me to 'learn', but rather plenty for me to REMEMBER. The sentiment behind the statement however is true. The evidence of which is my life nowadays. It seems to me sometimes like I've been more fragile, more analytical, more neurotic, more afraid lately than usual. It's like I have all the reason in the world to be proud, happy, and optimistic and yet I still tend to get STUCK in other shit. See...this is where the thinking 'maybe I could stand to see a therapist' comes into play. However, even with all those thoughts in tow, I still keep moving forward. I dunno how sometimes but I do. I think by now I do a pretty good job of governing myself and knowing when to 'pull myself up outta my own shit'.
My brand of honesty, truth telling is something that feels completely natural to me, but that I constantly question nowadays. Being honest about my feelings---Whatever they are at any given point in time---is really all I know. Yet, with my involvement in BSC I sometimes feel like maybe I'm not supposed to show that side of myself. The side that questions, that fears, that is sad, that is terrified about what is happening in his body as a result of being HIV positive. I know that my status and my health is a large part of what I 'worry' about these days. Although I'm not on any meds currently, I'm constantly afraid about the possibility of having to start them, for fear that that means I'm one step closer to death. After my last visit to my doctor in August, and being advised to 'slow down', I've been increasingly concerned about things. What I know is, that when I feel aches and pains in my body, my mind immediately freezes and I start to worry. I know that worrying about the aches and pains isn't really helping though. So I set the intention that the next time, I'll just let them come up, and PASS as they always do and I'll keep going. It amazes me sometimes how 'rounded' I am. We really are beings sufficient unto ourselves. IF ONLY I CAN REMEMBER THAT ONE.....I could go on and on and on, since I'm wide awake and it's 5:58 am right now, but I won't. I'll stop here I just had to process.