I hate it when Im right...much rather be wrong...I'd rather be wrong.....

...predicting a loss before I begin
so it dont cut too deep when I dont win
...I hate it when im right
much rather be wrong....i'd rather be wrong...
...plotting the course before I begin
penchant for rocky terrain & dead ends...
...wind myself up just 2 unravel into the great Mountain of When...

"Mountain of When"
~Amel Larrieux~


again....lyrics from the album "MORNING" by Amel Larrieux
capture what it is that Im feelin.
As inspired, and motivated, and happy as I tend to be these days, I still have days like yesterday, and even today, when I jus really dunno what the fuck the point is.
I think about all of the things that we have to face, and sometimes....
sometimes i jus dont really even FEEL like fighting, figuring out, or tryin.
My wounds are horribly fresh-as evidenced by the selection of my words.
I am unapolagetically truthful right now about EVERYTHING.
Fuck bein mindful, as being mindful often means "dont tell the WHOLE truth" for whatever reason there may be.
Anyway, thas not where Im at today.
While I'm nowhere near as dark and filled with despair as I know I used to be some ten years ago, I still recognize that I jus grow wary of the routine sometimes. The getting my hopes up, thinking of possibilities, falling for the trap of belief in someone or something, only to be proven justified in bein cautious, and tentative in the end.
As much as I know how powerful and creative thought is, I also know how important ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of TRUTH is.
Truth is...im not about bullshittin right now.
There's alot I dont get, dont like, dont understand, and dont feel like doin....
This will pass, and I'll bounce back ---however for now
...I'm exposing the wound(s) and essentially staring at them in an attempt to understand and heal from them.

...me

Mental reminder(s) 2 myself..

....stress kills.....
....don't go to bed mad.....
....this too shall pass....

for some reason I'm findin myself just irked beyond fucking imagination behind jus dealing with people and their SHIT.
Now ....on to the next beat.....
snappin out of it...(easier said than done)....but i'm workin on it.

....CAN I COME UP FOR AIR?.....

"GILLS AND TAILS" by Amel Larrieux.....

wow...the lyrics from that song.....exemplify where I am right now.....
"Can I come up for air....Can I come up....Can I come up....."

Things appear to be taking off and moving alot faster than I sometimes feel I can go these days. What this means for me is jus rising to the challenge and setting boundaries, prioritizing, and most importantly, takin time to laugh, live, and breathe. Between everyday life, work, lining up more work for the next couple of months, beginning the process of filing for non profit status for BSC, lining up auditions, going to arts workshops, fundraisers, and making plans for BSC activities, I am alot busier than I initially realized. None of this is beyond the scope of my capabilities, but when I think about all of it together, my first natural impulse is to be overwhelmed, but even that is beginning to shift, as I have learned---scratch that...I've MADE a choice to be reminded that I CAN DO IT, rather than being overwhelmed first.
This aint to say that I always make that choice first, but with each day that passes, I'm makin that choice alot more often. Dunno what to do next, since there's SO MUCH TO DO, but I jus remind myself to take shit one day, one thing, one breath (inhale.....then EXHALE) at a time....

::sings as Amel does in "GILLS & TAILS"::
"....this here world Im in.......
....sucks your life out...leaves you comatose....
.....take back your salt and fins.....send me a lifeboat....
....CAN I COME UP FOR AIR......Can I come Up....Can I Come Up....."

It's Letting Go....And Letting No Answer Be An Answer.....

after putting it off for so long, I now have a blog. Now all the dysfunctional, insightful, brilliant, poisonous, vibrant, healthy, sick, funny, sad, crazy things I think about can all be recorded here.
Life right now is interesting to say the least, and inspiring to say a bit more. Being a proud parent (of an arts organization) has thus proven to be rewarding, and worth every bit of the time it took to create it. On the flipside, it is an ongoiong process of discovery for me....
My mind...smh...what a place to dwell....enter if you dare...stay tuned.