Six Months....
........
6 months ago today, on Sunday February 5th 2006 (the First Sunday of the month), my life changed FOREVER. I had no clue when I woke up that morning just what the day would hold, but it held the key(s) to my future. This was the day I attended the service, First Sunday, as I normally do the first sunday of every month. I don't go to church, NOR do I consider myself to be a religious individual. What I am, is a spiritual being, with my own connection to, and understanding of the energy, the body of God. First Sunday is the space I consider to be my spiritual home, mainly because I have grown to feel loved, supported, and SAFE in this space.
Looking at it that way, it makes perfect sense that this where I was when spirit and I decided that I would become a vessel for another form of spiritual, mental, emotional, and creative healing. Brave Soul Collective was given birth as an idea on this day, 6 months ago, so today I cannot help but to be in a constant state of reflection, amazement, gratitude, and joy.
Looking at what this organization has become in merely six months since conception, I am truly inspired and even more confident & faithful about life in general, and what the rest of my life holds for me...
exposition.
at the end of November 2004, once again my life was forever changed, upon learning that I tested positive for HIV. As I sit here, I'm immediately taken back to that day, that time, and I remember how I was sure that my life was indeed over. If I had to go back and document exactly how I made it from there to here, I'm not sure I could. What I remember most about that time is that I had to literally PULL MYSELF OUT of the darkness that I felt was surrounding me. I had no reason to think the worst since I was still in very good health despite the positive test result, and my life was in no kind of immediate danger. What was most challenging about that period (aside from also having sprained my ankle around that time) was my mental, and emotional well being. My mind circled around thoughts of death, funerals, tears, coffins, and all around sadness. I had to stop and remind myself that with each day that I opened my eyes, there was hope. Every time I started to fear, wanted to cry, I had to stop and lovingly remind myself that there was no need for me to be afraid. Before I knew it, 3 months had passed and I was still LIVING, eating, breathing, sleeping, working, etc. That was February of 2005. As my life continued to go on and I began to live, to co-exist with HIV. It was filled with plenty of challenges, confusion, frustration, but I kept goin. Somewhere down the line, I started to really realize that not much had changed about my life, EXCEPT the fact that everything had been given a whole new meaning. All things trivial from before fell away and I started getting really clear about what was important. By that time, it was late summer/early fall of 2005, and I was on the verge of leaving my 'full time' job in order to fully dedicate my time and energy to my artistic and creative talents. I recall a conversation with one dear friend who had already taken the plunge and become a 'working' artist, and what I remember most about that talk was her telling me that I had what it took to make it work, but that I HAD TO KNOW IT, and HAD TO BELIEVE IT before I could see it manifest. For me, seeing others do it, and doing it myself (especially 8 months into living with HIV) were two completely different things. It's funny because on one hand, I can remember asking myself at that time...."What are you waiting for? What do you have to be afraid of NOW?" Contracting HIV was the one thing I had feared the most for years, (especially considering that it almost always is associated with life as I know it) and now I had surpassed that 'fear' and was still living. Even though some of my thoughts at that time still needed a lil 'tweaking'-
(namely my thought that I didn't have 'time' to waste) I was very clear that something greater was on the verge, in the works for me but I didn't know what it was. I didn't ponder until it made my head hurt, nor did I stress over it. I just kept movin forward. I did quit my job. I did start auditioning. I did get cast in two plays in the fall of 2005. Before I knew it, a year had passed and I had told my mother about my HIV status, left a job I was unhappy with, and was rehearsing, performing and being paid for my work as an artist. I realize now that this is how it works for me---ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER-literally first, then figuratively. I just get up and keep moving, albeit with a bit of trepidation at times. I also realize now more than ever that nothing can exist without its opposite. And so, from that trepidation comes clarity. From that organized confusion that I've carried with me for so long, also comes LOVE of myself, appreciation for my life, and courage.
They are things that I sometimes forget I possess. By the time Christmas of 2005 had passed, I'd gotten a year of living with HIV under my belt, had finished a pretty good run of a play I was cast in, I was pretty content. When 2006 came, I was a little bit more prepared for whatever was next...
...a LITTLE BIT...
cut to present day.
This week, as I looked at my calendar and thought about how busy this next couple of months are looking, that was when it dawned on me that six months had passed before I knew it. The last six months have been filled with blessings, fear, laughter, unpaid bills, triumphs, hope, funding, inspiration, love, freedom, liberation, and even a wee bit more trepidation-
(see....thas where that WORK IN PROGRESS THING COMES IN...LOL)
Ultimately however, the last six months have been the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my life. I've been moving, speaking, living, breathing, with a purpose. What Brave Soul Collective meant to me initially was a means by which I could live my life, without fear, without shame, being free to express in FULLNESS who and what I am : a living, breathing, work in progress.
Black, male, same gender loving, hiv positive, an artist, wounded, but healing, and above all else, resilient.
What it's turned into by now is a safe haven, a home, a community for brothas like me, and so many beloved others regardless of their gender, status, sexual orientation or class.
As I look towards the next week, the next month, the next chapter, I am called to bravery once again. I am about to embark on a new but necessary adventure.
On Friday, August 11th, I leave for Toronto, Canada for the World Aids Conference, where I will be working as a reporter/journalist for The Black Aids Institute as well as for CLIK Magazine.
I am excited, a bit afraid, but above all else I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to do this work. I know this is work will serve not only me, but Brave Soul Collective, and all those I work with, like CLIK and the Black Aids Institute.
We (Erik, Tim'm and I) have also been hired as staff writers for CLIK Magazine where we'll begin having an editorial featured in each month's magazine, beginning this month of August, (which is in stores later this week, btw)
This is a great triumph for me personally because I initially intended to be able to reach other same gender loving people through the work done with Brave Soul Collective, and now with our monthly editorials in CLIK, we'll be able to do so on a much larger scale. I am nothing BUT optimistic about this venture and what it holds for all of us as writers, poets, performers, creative artists. All three of us have a wealth of talents that we're still honing, and being able to demonstrate our skills and share ourselves in the process is indeed a blessing.
In addition to continuing our monthly Brave Soul Saturday gatherings here in DC (later this month), Brave Soul Collective has also been added to the IN THE LIFE ATLANTA 2006 Black Pride Workshop Schedule. We will be conducting our "Brave Souls Ain't Down Low: Keepin It Real for Real in the Age of AIDS" workshop on Saturday, September 2nd 2006.
After returning from that trip, we will be continuing to work on organizing our first Brave Soul Collective fundraiser, which will take place later this fall. When I think of all the things we've been able to accomplish with an extremely limited amount of money, as well as with the gracious contributions from several people, it makes me even more hopeful about what we'll be able to do with more funding.
projection.
In short, the rest of this year is looking to be pretty exciting and fulfilling with all of the things already on tap, not to mention whatever is in the cards that I don't even know about yet.
I'm glad that I'm able to be used in this way for such a vehicle of healing, and expression.
Even though these days I've been so busy sometimes I have to make myself stop to eat, and sleep, I am so full of energy and life that I can do nothing but say thank you to God for what I've been able to experience thus far. I'm grateful for all the angels who have been laid in my path to share in this experience with me. Erik & Tim'm I'm extremely grateful for. I don't think it could have been done in this way, without them. They are brothers I've always wished I had. We disagree sometimes, but ultimately love and support each other. I am also grateful for both of my parents who continue to love me and support me, with all things considered. Their love is unconditional and for that I am extremely grateful. Finally, for all the people who have been moved, touched by anything as a result of Brave Soul Collective, I am grateful and thank you tremendously. It's been emails, messages, posts on the message board that I've read from people I've never met that have gotten me through many times in the last six months, simply because they've expressed how happy they are that WE EXIST.
That's how inspiration works for me...it's infectious...someone puts something out---word, thought, energy, etc, and I'm affected, moved, touched by it. I then create from that inspiration, and others take it and run with it...It all goes in cycles.
Right now, in every aspect of my life, I pray for, and seek to maintain BALANCE, and I keep movin....
I've got about a year as a 'working artist' under my belt, and although it has been challenging many times within that that period, its been even more rewarding artistically, emotionally, mentally. The money necessary to pay my rent and bills has always come, and I must say I haven't really had to want for anything.
I've worked extremely hard, and when I think about all of the work I put into everything, it's all been worth it...
6 months ago today, on Sunday February 5th 2006 (the First Sunday of the month), my life changed FOREVER. I had no clue when I woke up that morning just what the day would hold, but it held the key(s) to my future. This was the day I attended the service, First Sunday, as I normally do the first sunday of every month. I don't go to church, NOR do I consider myself to be a religious individual. What I am, is a spiritual being, with my own connection to, and understanding of the energy, the body of God. First Sunday is the space I consider to be my spiritual home, mainly because I have grown to feel loved, supported, and SAFE in this space.
Looking at it that way, it makes perfect sense that this where I was when spirit and I decided that I would become a vessel for another form of spiritual, mental, emotional, and creative healing. Brave Soul Collective was given birth as an idea on this day, 6 months ago, so today I cannot help but to be in a constant state of reflection, amazement, gratitude, and joy.
Looking at what this organization has become in merely six months since conception, I am truly inspired and even more confident & faithful about life in general, and what the rest of my life holds for me...
exposition.
at the end of November 2004, once again my life was forever changed, upon learning that I tested positive for HIV. As I sit here, I'm immediately taken back to that day, that time, and I remember how I was sure that my life was indeed over. If I had to go back and document exactly how I made it from there to here, I'm not sure I could. What I remember most about that time is that I had to literally PULL MYSELF OUT of the darkness that I felt was surrounding me. I had no reason to think the worst since I was still in very good health despite the positive test result, and my life was in no kind of immediate danger. What was most challenging about that period (aside from also having sprained my ankle around that time) was my mental, and emotional well being. My mind circled around thoughts of death, funerals, tears, coffins, and all around sadness. I had to stop and remind myself that with each day that I opened my eyes, there was hope. Every time I started to fear, wanted to cry, I had to stop and lovingly remind myself that there was no need for me to be afraid. Before I knew it, 3 months had passed and I was still LIVING, eating, breathing, sleeping, working, etc. That was February of 2005. As my life continued to go on and I began to live, to co-exist with HIV. It was filled with plenty of challenges, confusion, frustration, but I kept goin. Somewhere down the line, I started to really realize that not much had changed about my life, EXCEPT the fact that everything had been given a whole new meaning. All things trivial from before fell away and I started getting really clear about what was important. By that time, it was late summer/early fall of 2005, and I was on the verge of leaving my 'full time' job in order to fully dedicate my time and energy to my artistic and creative talents. I recall a conversation with one dear friend who had already taken the plunge and become a 'working' artist, and what I remember most about that talk was her telling me that I had what it took to make it work, but that I HAD TO KNOW IT, and HAD TO BELIEVE IT before I could see it manifest. For me, seeing others do it, and doing it myself (especially 8 months into living with HIV) were two completely different things. It's funny because on one hand, I can remember asking myself at that time...."What are you waiting for? What do you have to be afraid of NOW?" Contracting HIV was the one thing I had feared the most for years, (especially considering that it almost always is associated with life as I know it) and now I had surpassed that 'fear' and was still living. Even though some of my thoughts at that time still needed a lil 'tweaking'-
(namely my thought that I didn't have 'time' to waste) I was very clear that something greater was on the verge, in the works for me but I didn't know what it was. I didn't ponder until it made my head hurt, nor did I stress over it. I just kept movin forward. I did quit my job. I did start auditioning. I did get cast in two plays in the fall of 2005. Before I knew it, a year had passed and I had told my mother about my HIV status, left a job I was unhappy with, and was rehearsing, performing and being paid for my work as an artist. I realize now that this is how it works for me---ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER-literally first, then figuratively. I just get up and keep moving, albeit with a bit of trepidation at times. I also realize now more than ever that nothing can exist without its opposite. And so, from that trepidation comes clarity. From that organized confusion that I've carried with me for so long, also comes LOVE of myself, appreciation for my life, and courage.
They are things that I sometimes forget I possess. By the time Christmas of 2005 had passed, I'd gotten a year of living with HIV under my belt, had finished a pretty good run of a play I was cast in, I was pretty content. When 2006 came, I was a little bit more prepared for whatever was next...
...a LITTLE BIT...
cut to present day.
This week, as I looked at my calendar and thought about how busy this next couple of months are looking, that was when it dawned on me that six months had passed before I knew it. The last six months have been filled with blessings, fear, laughter, unpaid bills, triumphs, hope, funding, inspiration, love, freedom, liberation, and even a wee bit more trepidation-
(see....thas where that WORK IN PROGRESS THING COMES IN...LOL)
Ultimately however, the last six months have been the most fulfilled I have ever felt in my life. I've been moving, speaking, living, breathing, with a purpose. What Brave Soul Collective meant to me initially was a means by which I could live my life, without fear, without shame, being free to express in FULLNESS who and what I am : a living, breathing, work in progress.
Black, male, same gender loving, hiv positive, an artist, wounded, but healing, and above all else, resilient.
What it's turned into by now is a safe haven, a home, a community for brothas like me, and so many beloved others regardless of their gender, status, sexual orientation or class.
As I look towards the next week, the next month, the next chapter, I am called to bravery once again. I am about to embark on a new but necessary adventure.
On Friday, August 11th, I leave for Toronto, Canada for the World Aids Conference, where I will be working as a reporter/journalist for The Black Aids Institute as well as for CLIK Magazine.
I am excited, a bit afraid, but above all else I'm grateful to be given the opportunity to do this work. I know this is work will serve not only me, but Brave Soul Collective, and all those I work with, like CLIK and the Black Aids Institute.
We (Erik, Tim'm and I) have also been hired as staff writers for CLIK Magazine where we'll begin having an editorial featured in each month's magazine, beginning this month of August, (which is in stores later this week, btw)
This is a great triumph for me personally because I initially intended to be able to reach other same gender loving people through the work done with Brave Soul Collective, and now with our monthly editorials in CLIK, we'll be able to do so on a much larger scale. I am nothing BUT optimistic about this venture and what it holds for all of us as writers, poets, performers, creative artists. All three of us have a wealth of talents that we're still honing, and being able to demonstrate our skills and share ourselves in the process is indeed a blessing.
In addition to continuing our monthly Brave Soul Saturday gatherings here in DC (later this month), Brave Soul Collective has also been added to the IN THE LIFE ATLANTA 2006 Black Pride Workshop Schedule. We will be conducting our "Brave Souls Ain't Down Low: Keepin It Real for Real in the Age of AIDS" workshop on Saturday, September 2nd 2006.
After returning from that trip, we will be continuing to work on organizing our first Brave Soul Collective fundraiser, which will take place later this fall. When I think of all the things we've been able to accomplish with an extremely limited amount of money, as well as with the gracious contributions from several people, it makes me even more hopeful about what we'll be able to do with more funding.
projection.
In short, the rest of this year is looking to be pretty exciting and fulfilling with all of the things already on tap, not to mention whatever is in the cards that I don't even know about yet.
I'm glad that I'm able to be used in this way for such a vehicle of healing, and expression.
Even though these days I've been so busy sometimes I have to make myself stop to eat, and sleep, I am so full of energy and life that I can do nothing but say thank you to God for what I've been able to experience thus far. I'm grateful for all the angels who have been laid in my path to share in this experience with me. Erik & Tim'm I'm extremely grateful for. I don't think it could have been done in this way, without them. They are brothers I've always wished I had. We disagree sometimes, but ultimately love and support each other. I am also grateful for both of my parents who continue to love me and support me, with all things considered. Their love is unconditional and for that I am extremely grateful. Finally, for all the people who have been moved, touched by anything as a result of Brave Soul Collective, I am grateful and thank you tremendously. It's been emails, messages, posts on the message board that I've read from people I've never met that have gotten me through many times in the last six months, simply because they've expressed how happy they are that WE EXIST.
That's how inspiration works for me...it's infectious...someone puts something out---word, thought, energy, etc, and I'm affected, moved, touched by it. I then create from that inspiration, and others take it and run with it...It all goes in cycles.
Right now, in every aspect of my life, I pray for, and seek to maintain BALANCE, and I keep movin....
I've got about a year as a 'working artist' under my belt, and although it has been challenging many times within that that period, its been even more rewarding artistically, emotionally, mentally. The money necessary to pay my rent and bills has always come, and I must say I haven't really had to want for anything.
I've worked extremely hard, and when I think about all of the work I put into everything, it's all been worth it...
posted by Brave*Soul*Kat | 8:20 AM
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