The Bitter with the Sweet....
I haven't blogged in a bit, for numerous reasons...Because sometimes I don't know what 2 say, so I don't say shit....Other times because there's SO much goin on in my head, that even hashing it out by typin seems like too much of a chore....Tonite as I sat here for the umpteenth time in weeks trying to figure out what to say....I thought about something that I always speak of, and am constantly seeking to maintain.....BALANCE.....Polarity.....The 'Good' & the 'Bad'....The Bitter & the Sweet.This is what my life has been full of lately...I mean truthfully Im sure its ALWAYS been full of both, although sometimes it seems like more of one than the other.What I've been extremely conscious of lately however is how much more willing I've been to let shit BE what it's gonna BE. So much has happened for me this year....I've grown the fuck up in a lot of ways....I've always taken pride in the fact that I was pretty mature, but this year, in many ways....I grew up even more. What I also am able to realize just as quickly is that I still have had moments of regression, of being stagnant as well.I'll stop here for now, because my sort of 'writers block' feels like it's returning as I type this...but I will continue to elaborate on this...If I must provide a concrete example of how I feel I've 'grown up' and learned a bit....Here it is...even with this...when I feel 'stumped' and am unable to articulate my thoughts, I stop, and leave it alone....rather than tryin to force it and becoming even more frustrated, like I used to...it may sound simple, but it's also easier said than done, and I realize I've DONE it...so next time I regress...before I can let that shit snowball anymore, Ima jus cut myself sum slack and remind myself.........Balance.

JUST PASSING THIS ALONG...TAKE HEED PEOPLE....

A coalition of black gay and lesbian bloggers has launched a worldwide online campaign against a music industry group’s decision to ignore requests to cancel performances by homophobic reggae artists Beenie Man and TOK at an upcoming concert.
The concert, scheduled to take place July 18 in New York, is billed as a benefit to target young people for HIV/AIDS prevention. The coalition of activists is calling on LIFEbeat, the music industry’s non-profit AIDS organization, to either rescind the invitation to Beenie Man and TOK or use its influence to get the two artists to make public statements prior to the concert disavowing their homophobic music and remarks. Just last week, Beenie Man's concerts were canceled in Britain after gay activists objected to his recent homophobic statements.
More information here at
http://www.keithboykin.com

Waves

...I know what I want.....But I just wouldn't dare....
I'd let her into my heart....but she's already there....
but she comes in waves... and I jus reach a point...
I fall OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN.....
~Waves~
Lewis Taylor



....3rd wave.....
After experiencing Mary's show last nite in Milwaukee, I gotta say that I'm not surprised. There's never been a show of hers that I've gone to and not been satisfied, or fed musically, emotionally, or spiritually. So the fact that I left FULL last nite is nothing new. What is new to me at this point...well not so much new as much as just interesting to me is that the darkness, the pain, the sadness, the turmoil, etc etc etc...they'll always be there, but there's always another choice. This is not something I didn't already know, just something this weekend, this trip and its events, and Mary's show last nite have all reminded me of:
Life is about LIVING...We all have pasts, and sometimes present day situations that will try to steal the joy, the light, the freedom from you, but ultimately YOU, I, WE have the power, the final say in how it all goes down. It is what it is...I realize the blessings that I've been given and as a result I open my heart and continue to share them with the world, even when--ESPECIALLY when it feels like mofos are confronting me with everything BUT LOVE. It's hard sometimes...downright challenging to show love in the face of fear, hate, ignorance, stupidity, so on and so forth. But LOVE always comes back TENFOLD...even if it doesn't come from the source you may have expected it to come from, YOU ALWAYS GET IT BACK. It's funny to me how from 1991/1992 when Mary first hit the scene, there was sumthin in her voice, in her music, in her EYES that I was drawn to. I know now that you draw to you what you are. Like attracts like. So again, it should be of no surprise to me that as she's evolved, grown, fallen, suffered, cried, made mistakes, SO HAVE I.
I do not IDOLIZE her, but I DO know how GOD uses people, and how when we finally are able to tap into our OWN POWER, we become an open vessel for healing, growth, and LOVE. I can say that within the last year, after being faced with what seemed like insurmountable circumstances, I OVERCAME even those, and stepped into my own light and out of my own way. That is how, that is why, that is when Brave Soul Collective came through me...so as the Lewis Taylor song goes, and as I felt about BLIGE last nite...about ME, and my life....
I come in waves....and I've just reached a point....
I fall OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.....with MY(Self)


independence....hmmmmph.....feels pretty good...

Independence...what a day...what a day....

independence
n 1: freedom from control or influence of another or others.

the first wave....
This year's INDEPENDENCE DAY WEEKEND has been profusely liberating to say the least.
As emotionally raw as I feel right now,
(in the red..is what I like to call that feeling btw)
I feel extremely proud, happy, inspired and optimistic after the last two days events. Saturday July 1st was a wonderful way to start this month, and my goal is to take that days energy, momentum, and spirit into the rest of this months days. I spent this day (as well as the day before) in Chicago. I was there to facilitate Brave Soul Collective's first official workshop, Brave Souls Ain't Down Low: Living In Truth In The Age of AIDS.
Although the days events got off to a bit of a late start, it was nothing short of spectacular.
The organizers & volunteers with Windy City Black Pride were extremely warm, supportive and welcoming to us as we arrived, not really knowing what to expect. What I felt as the day continued was the warmth of bein HOME.
Chicago (and surrounding areas) IS actually home to me in a sense because I'm orginally from Racine, Wisconsin which is only about 45 mins from Chicago. I moved away from this area long before coming to terms DIRECTLY with my sexuality 10 years or so ago, and have lived primarily on the east coast/DC area for that 'OUT' time period of my life..
The important thing to point out however is that I had no idea how tightly knit the Chicago black gay community was prior to my arrival this weekend. Although I had heard mention of this from a friend, there is a difference in being told sumthin versus being SHOWN sumthin. By the time we started our workshop, I knew that I was in the midst of something special. This is not to blindly suggest that folx in this area are not w/o drama, mess, pretense, etc (as I know that tends to exist everywhere in one way or another). What I am saying is that in less than 48 hours during the Windy City Black Pride Weekend, I felt more at home and supported, understood, and accepted than I have ever felt anywhere else that I have worked or lived in the past ten years. From the support of the organizers & volunteers of WCBP, on down to simple 'by chance' meetings with people who happened to just be there, like brotha Keith (who graciously gave Brave Soul Collective a great push and plug at the Poetry Slam), I know that the people who I met and worked, laughed, cried, thought with this weekend are sacred BRAVE SOULS indeed.
Chicago gave Brave Soul Collective an ABUNDANCE of love and support and we will MOST DEFINITELY BE BACK VERY SOON. Brave Soul Collective has a second-satellite kinda home in CHITOWN, and I can't wait to get back there.

second wave
Upon leaving Chicago yesterday, I traveled back up the road 45 mins or so north..back to the place where I was born and raised, Kenosha Wisconsin, where my father awaited me. From the very beginning when I planned this entire trip I knew that there would be some highs, lows, and inbetweens. I battled with and sought to correct and remind myself that what I was coming 'home' to do here in Racine/Kenosha was not at all a 'low' but a chapter that I needed to quickly finish, and close, in order to move forward. Making the decision to disclose my HIV status to my father and introduce him to the new addition to my life/story that is Brave Soul Collective, was one thing. Actually DOING it yesterday/last nite was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. It is now done, and I can indeed say I am relieved. That is not to say that I'm happy per se. There is something about having to deliver news to those you love--news that ultimately you've grown to accept and love--but that they may not be able to view the same way you do, that jus puzzles the fuck out of me. I guess the one thing that I have to remember is that just as it may have taken ME time to adjust and ultimately meet acceptance head on....so will it take these said family members even more time to do so. It's that which I remind myself of now, one day after I've had this talk with my father, who to my surprise, took the news much better than I anticipated. I worried that this news would drive him into some kind of self inflicted turmoil (again) like my announcement of my homosexuality had done some 9-10 years prior. I guess the thing that I forgot is that just like I had grown and evolved over the last 10 years, so had he. For that, I am truly grateful- & not so much for my own satisfaction/relief, but moreso for his own good. The one thing I kept telling myself in the months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and finally-deep breaths before this talk took place was that I could not, would not, and should not feel ashamed about my news, my condition or my announcement of such. I was just making sure that he (as my mother 10 months ago had been) was completely informed and in the know about certain important things regarding my life, well being, and ultimately, my HAPPINESS.
One of the great things/surprises that would follow after my disclosure to him and announcement about Brave Soul Collective was his level of support, and optimism about the creation and activities of the organization.
I think in my fear and hesitance, I underestimated my father. I pray that my disclosure and discussion with him will continue to deepen and strengthen the bond we already have, which I can honestly say I cherish and am grateful for.
I realize that some people don't get any kind of support or encouragement from their blood relatives in cases like this, which is also another reason why I feel like Brave Soul Collective is a haven for all of us to be loved, supported and encouraged to LIVE and enjoy LIFE.
I feel better now, than I did when I began this blog entry and I think it's because as usual, I just needed to REMIND myself of all that I have to be greateful for, and for all the blessings that continue to show up to remind me that LOVE really is the ONLY THING I OWN, and I can take that with me WHEREVER I GO.
As I wrap this entry up, I leave to go get dressed to see one of my inspirations, heroes, and angels in her element 2nite: Mary J Blige.
The third wave will most likely come after the Breakthrough I Experience tonite....